UT Nuclear Apocalypse
by Captiosus
Summary: The House of Fools clan is steadily rising to the tops of the tournament ladders. A new threat rises, threatening to kill everyone, leaving the HoF clan to find a way to save the world from destruction! Uses real HoF members and is from a M rated Game


Unreal Tournament

Nuclear Apocalypse

A fanfic by CaptiosusHoF

To all who read this: I got this idea when I was typing for my other fanfic. I thought, "Hey, why not put my buds from the clan into a more realistic situation?" So I went and posted it on the forums and I think they liked the idea. So I am beginning the production of the fanfic. It will take place around 2350, set in the Unreal Tournament 99 universe. Here, Liandri corp is making big bucks off of people slaughtering each other, the Necris have kept their heads in their collective asses, and we humans still kick ass. As always, I do not own the game (well, not the rights to it anyways), any of the characters mentioned, or the maps. I just write the fiction. Now buckle up, because the qualifying match is a CTF Instagib shootout on Mortal Kombat between HoF and the rival WINGS clan, and all hell has broken loose.

Schlong was having a really bad day. First, Acid got himself wasted when he tried going one on TEN with the Blue team. And then once Acid was back from the cloning tank, he began to run Kamikaze attacks on the enemy team. Postwoman and Fluke were attempting to attack the blue flag while not trying to get their asses shot off by the hail of bright orange shock beams that lanced their way. Zerk and Epic Fart were more or less freelancing, and doing a bad job at it. Schlong swore and then said, "Screw this."

Captiosus jumped up from behind the ESR (Enhanced Shock Rifle: Shoots a orange one hit kills beam. An alternate version comes with a scope) and nailed Stormblast squarely in the head, causing it to explode in a shower of blood, coating Fluke and Postwoman in blood and brain. Postwoman grimaced as the orange beam of death continued to tear the body to shreds, spraying blood everywhere. She yanked the blue flag out of its holder before saying to Captiosus, "Was that needed?"

Captiosus and Schlong both jumped up and unleashed bright orange hell on the invisible spawn portal, wasting the entire enemy team in a series of quick shots. Captiosus landed a beautiful head shot before saying, "Nah. You needed the shower anyways." Fluke chuckled as he guarded Post's back from the increasing number of Wings clan members pouring through the portal.

Zerk and Epic Fart managed to get over to the blue side just in time to become cannon fodder. The first one to get wasted was Epic. He was dodging like a madman, hitting one person for every ten shots. Eventually, Stormblast landed a crotchshot with the pistol. The Nali Warcow kneeled over before groaning, "Damn, no kids for me."

Zerk on the other hand, went out in a truly spectacular style. Unbeknownst to all of the other players, there was a Rocket X hidden underneath the pillars in the water (not true, just needed some nuclear mayhem). He had seen it, grabbed it, and rode one of the repulsor platforms back to the pillars. As the jets of orange death rained down around him, he pulled out the bright green launcher and charged.

"Kill them all Zerk!" Captiosus roared, and a moment later, the nuclear explosion and the resulting shower of blood and body parts said he had annihilated the entire enemy team. Postwoman, who was a few feet from Red flag, sighed. "He always did like his nukes a little bit much." The she touched the Red flag.

As soon as she did, the Voice (the infamous UT announcer) said, "Red team wins, 10 captures to three." Zerk, who had just popped out of the spawn portal, grabbed a Instagib rifle and aimed it at the opposing team, expecting to Zerkinate (a term I invented when Zerk kills someone in a spectacular fashion.) the entire enemy team when his rifle was translocated out of his hands. Fluke chucked again before saying, "Haha Zerk. You think you are tough before you get humiliated in front of our whole bunch of cheering fans, namely the other clan members."

Captiosus slung his rifle on his back and walked to the doors leading out of the combat arena and into the locker room. "You know I pwn people better than you Zerk. Suck it, I'm better than you. The only person who is NOT better than you is Epic." Epic Fart, who had just spawned in to the now empty arena, yelled, "Wait up guys!!"

Schlong rolled his eyes. Using Epic as SW's replacement after SW left the clan was one decision Schlong wasn't sure about.

Schlong was a cyborg, rebuilt after a particularly nasty kamikaze by someone from ROS destroyed most of his original body on CTF Redux (its actually Remake, but again, needed flavor). He stood at 6'6", weighing almost half a ton, and had unbelievably fast reflexes.

Postwoman was a human, in her late twenties. She was a fairly good looking woman, but her distinguishing feature was the fluorescent red/blue armor she wore. The color majority could be shifted to either red or blue, depending on what team she was on.

Zerk was a former level designer. His skills in being an architect made him a fairly formidable opponent, mainly because he could find any hiding spot to camp. He was a jack of all guns and a master of all. He had a almost annoying knack with the Rocket X of nailing ANY target he pointed the 10 inch wide barrel at, and Captiosus, before he joined the clan, usually was on the receiving end of the supersonic rocket.

Captiosus was a former gladiator, a cyborg since anyone knew him, before being bought and set free by Schlong. In thanks for freeing him from Liandri's clutches, Captiosus pledged he would fight alongside Schlong and the HoF clan until he had no fight left in his biomechanical body. He had a particularly annoying skill with the ESR and the Rocket X. When it came to flying the Rocket X jet, he was a competent pilot, and when it came to going kamikaze with it, no one could match him. When he had an instagib rifle, if he saw it, it was already dead, no questions asked.

Epic Fart was the newest addition to the group, and he had a knack for explosives. Unlike the others in the clan, he was a Nali Warcow. He was the result of an experiment gone wrong to increase the intelligence of the warcows so they would fight for the Nali race. The experiment failed, mainly because Epic went on a massive killing spree, slaughtering over half of the Nali in the research to answer why he is now intelligent. 109 bodies and a nuclear explosion later he never found out why.

Acid was a Marine, former Black Ops. He was convicted of killing forty-seven thousand people and was sentenced to life in the tournaments. He was a crack shot, an artist with a sniper rifle, landing headshots where no one else could. He also was the sneakiest of the group, able to sneak up behind someone and shock combo them to death. His acceptance into the clan hadnt fully been accepted, but he had been fighting with the clan for the last 4 years, ever since HoF's surprising win of the DeathMatch tournament ladder..

The group left the arena and entered the Red team locker room, just before leaving for some fresh air, beer, and money from the Liandri official standing outside. As the entered, Schlong and the others couldn't help but hear a groaning from inside. Captiosus unslung his rifle and pointed it down the rows of lockers, and discovered the source: Andi and Bobble were just about ready to 'have fun'. Schlong tugged the shock rifle out of Cap's hands and shot both of them, causing their bodies to explode in a shower of blood. The nearby cloning tanks got to work making fresh copies of Andi and Bobble, and as soon as he tanks were tone flash-transferring their minds back into their bodies, Andi began to complain.

"Why did you have to shoot me?" Andi pouted. She wasn't the most beautiful person to grace the fields of battle, but she could turn heads and slaughter with the normal shock rifle at the same time. She was Human, older than Postwoman, and arrogant with it. There had been an affair earlier in their careers which involved a Schlong-Andi-Post love triangle which had almost torn the entire clan apart.

Bobble was one of the senior members of the clan, and he could use a good number of weapons with lethal results. He was a Commando, and possibly the most arrogant person on the team. Most people did not like him, and the only thing that kept him in the clan was the fact he could keep the other team busy while the flag was grabbed.

Schlong roared, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! THE LAST THING THAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW IS ANOTHER LOVE TRIANGLE! AND LOOK AT WHAT THE LAST ONE ALMOST DID! I CATCH YOU DOING THAT AGAIN, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE BANNED FROM THE CLAN FOREVER!!"

Captiosus had made himself scarce, knowing that as soon as Schlong left, he would be paying a visit to the shop to get himself repaired. Bobble got into another fight with Schlong as the others packed for another wild night. As they left the locker room, a quartet of Rocket X5 jets dropped out of the sky and landed in front of them with a whine. Captiosus jumped into his customized RX5 and took off for his favorite racetrack, preparing to join in the races that took place every night. Post and Schlong grabbed climbed into their 2 seater model and took off for the barracks on the other side of the city. Acid, Bobble, and Epic Fart took the third one, with Bobble having to spend the whole trip outside the RX5 to their apartments outside the city, and Zerk claimed the last one for his trip to the bar, before heading off to the bunkers himself.

As Schlong and Postwoman landed, they went to their separate apartments. Post fell asleep instantly, but Schlong, being a cyborg, never slept.

He looked out the window, and as the night began to wear on, he thought of what it was once like to be part of a family. He snorted to himself. A family now was impossible. He had no more genetic material to spare to begin one, and besides, he enjoyed the slaughter more than anything else these days.


End file.
